The stories we tell ourselves

Have you ever told yourself a story? I am too old, I am too young, I never have enough time, I don’t have enough money, I’m not good enough etc. etc.

These stories are really something called shadow beliefs. When we are young, typically under the age of ten, we subconsciously create stories about things that happened to us. We are too young to digest and process certain life experiences and so we internalize it and make it about us. We tell ourselves stories to protect ourselves.

These beliefs or stories are one of the 8 dimensions of reinvention coaching. Learning about this in my coaching certification program blew my mind. Since I first learned about shadow beliefs I have uncovered many and it is like peeling away layers of me that don’t belong. The more I peel away the more my authentic self shines through, the more liberated I feel.

I unearthed a shadow belief around my art recently and it has been empowering. I was digging around in my basement looking for my old artwork from high school and college. Looking through my portfolio I was transported back to the art studio where I would spend 3 hours at a time and get lost in the zone creating and listening to music. Those were the days! But then I started to wonder, why did I stop creating? My answer was the typical excuses, I got married and started working as a teacher and I never had enough time…then I had kids and really never seemed to have enough time!

Knowing what I know now about shadow beliefs something was nagging at me and I dug deeper. I realized that I stopped creating because I didn’t feel like I was good enough. My mind was unraveling this story…

It’s 1995, I’m 10 years old and I live in Brooklyn and I’m about to go to middle school. The schools in Brooklyn were hit or miss and I heard about this special school called the Mark Twain School for the Gifted and Talented. It was a free public school but you had to apply and be accepted. I was finding my love of art and so I applied to the arts program. I remember sitting in a classroom like I was taking a test with a group of other students and we were given a drawing prompt. Draw one of your favorite places. I chose the Bethesda Fountain in Central Park where my dad would take us often.

This fountain is circular and has several tiers. I struggled showing perspective and I knew my drawing was horrible and it made me feel awful. I don’t remember ever having art classes in elementary school so how would I know what perspective was and how to draw it? I just knew I liked art and I played around with different materials. Well I didn’t get in. I told myself I tried and I failed. The story of “I’m not good enough” begins.

I still loved art but I would skirt around drawing and painting for years in order to protect myself from feeling inadequate and not being good. I didn’t want to be “bad” or “fail” so I didn’t try. If doing something didn’t make me feel good and I didn’t get validation from it I wanted nothing to do with it. I did NOT want to feel rejected again.

We moved to the suburbs when I was 13. I was fortunate enough to attend a great school district and they had every class imaginable! When I got to high school I was thrilled to take a variety of art classes, ceramics, photography, fashion design, even cooking…anything but drawing and painting. That was out of the question!

Fast forward to my junior year, I’m looking at colleges and thinking about what I want to study. I get lost in my art, it’s my happy place…only I can’t draw. But art is what I want to pursue and most colleges require a portfolio review in order to be accepted into the art department. Well what am I going to do now?? My mom helps me enroll in a weekend art class at Parsons School of Design that is supposed to help students build their portfolios. I was so excited to take that class! I went into the city by myself and went to this fancy art school, I was in heaven. Until we started drawing and my drawings looked like that of a 7 year old. I felt defeated, I kept going with the class but it didn’t help me the way I thought it would. It didn’t give me what I needed. I couldn't use these drawings for my college entrance portfolio, they would never accept this! (Enter perfectionism…)

In comes my stubborn determination, at least I have that! One of the schools I was looking at, Arcadia University, had a policy where you could take the foundational art classes and then submit your portfolio at the end of your freshman year. In addition to their portfolio policy and the fact that there was a castle on campus and all of the study abroad opportunities, I was hooked. And lo and behold those freshman art classes actually taught me how to draw! I wasn’t horrible after all. I submitted my portfolio and was accepted. I was officially an art student! I majored in photography and completed my senior thesis with a series of black and white portraits.

I ended up going to grad school immediately after for art education. I finally got a job teaching art at a charter school in the South Bronx 3 years later. Boy was that a learning experience, but I loved it.

Fast forward to the present day, I’ve told myself I’m not a painter. I can’t paint, I’m not good enough. I’m a photographer. But I want to paint. I buy paints and I try to follow a course and it feels good but those paints stay in my tool box for another 2 years. I tell myself I could teach painting classes, but no I can’t do that I’m not a painter. I’m not good.

Well that’s BS…I can paint and I’ve taught myself how to do many other things so what is stopping me from painting? My shadow belief is! Finally because I am a certified life coach I now understand what has been blocking me all these years. And the story I have been telling myself is false!

In my classroom it always irks me when my students say “I can’t draw,” or “I’m not good at art.” I always tell them the story that I didn’t learn how to draw until I was in college and anyone can learn. It’s not a gift or a talent you are born with, it’s a skill you learn and continue to practice! I think I love being an art teacher so much because I want to be the person I needed when I was little. Someone to tell me that it’s ok that it doesn’t look good yet, you don’t become Picasso overnight! You have to suck first, you have to be bad, you have to fail. That’s just part of learning. It’s ok to make mistakes.

So I’m looking that scared little girl in the eyes now and telling her, “yes, you can draw, you can paint! Keep going!” I wanted to paint so now I am finally painting again. No more excuses. And if sometimes my paintings suck I’m telling myself that’s ok. It’s all part of the process. And I believe that process and how it makes you feel is the important part anyway. It's not about the outcome or the product but the experience.

What is it that you want? What is holding you back from getting it? Do you have any stories you have told yourself?

Schedule a free call to see if I can help you break through that block!